The Sue
by madwriter223
Summary: -Kink Meme- The Company meet a Mary Sue. Who wants to join them. This might not end well. CRACK, HUMOR, and CRACK.


**The Sue**

They had been not far from Fangorn Forest when the Company came to a dead stop in the middle of the road. "Aw crap, it's a Sue." Someone muttered and the dwarves moved together, pressing close to each other.

"A Sue?" Bilbo had read about those. They were considered to be feared creatures, capable of enslaving even the strongest of minds. His mother had always warned him about them, though Bilbo never did learn how exactly Sues looked like. Bilbo took a deep breath and grabbed Sting. He didn't take it out of its scabbard though, mostly because none of the dwarves were grabbing for their weapons. Bilbo took a deep breath and stepped around the dwarf in front of him. Fear or no, he wanted to see this beast with his own eyes.

Expect there wasn't any beast in front of them. It was a girl. She was dressed in a white floral dress, feet bare and her long curly hair flowing behind her. She was moving oddly, like in a combination of dancing, skipping and charging. All around her, there was a multitude of all kinds of animals. Squirrels, rabbits, deer, foxes, even a wolf or two. And was that a bear? The animals were all looking at the girl with too large, too shiny eyes, their tails dragging behind them. They just stared at the prancing girl, barely even blinking.

Bilbo glanced up at his companions. None of them were looking at the frolicing girl or her horde of creatures. Most of them were focused on either the ground or on something in the distance. Only Thorin and Balin were facing the approaching creature. They stood in front of their tight group, bodies tense.

The girl finally noticed them and she froze in mind-skip. She literally hung in the air for a few seconds, then she jumped towards them. She circled around their small group, then came to a stop in front of Thorin.

"Greetings!" She essentially yelled in the dwarf's face, her voice too loud to be called anything but. "I am The Grand Duchess of Evenrod Palace Located Behind the Molten Lava Ponds of the Mechiavous Lands. My name is Gwynnestri Flói Peroigrin Olalia Gomduring IV." She curtsied and one of the animals at her feet lost consciousness. "Who might you be?" She asked with an unsettling giggle.

"We are merely a travelling company of dwarves." Balin answered, smiling pleasantly and keeping his eyes closed. Thorin nodded in agreement. His eyes were crossed, gaze fixed on his own nose. Bilbo's brows knitted in confusion.

The girl gasped excitedly and flailed her arms around. "OH! Are you on a dangerous yet noble quest? Oh, I must accompany you!" She insisted and Bilbo winced at the clarion quality of her voice. As if he was listening wrongly to something. "I am indispensable during deadly occurrences! I am the only daughter and heir to a world-class hand-to-hand combatant. My father has trained me from birth, because he had recognized my great talent while I was still in my mother's womb. True, my training ended when I was five and both my loving parents died in a freak sandwiching accident. Yet my persistence preserved! Since their funeral, I have travelled Middle-Earth and I have studied with Master Fighters from all races, even the Mysterious Race Living Under the Sea. They only accept the most extraordinary of souls into their halls, you know." She grinned widely, showing too many teeth. "So you see I would be a perfect member of your quest."

Thorin made a low noise from the back of his throat, eyes still crossed. "No. We don't need a warrior of your 'calibre'. We are merely travelling to Lake Town to..." He hesitated, but Balin was quick to assist in the lie.

"To buy some fish." He nodded sagely.

The creature frowned. "You travel so far for fish?"

"We have kin in Lake Town. They offer excellent prices." The dwarves made a grumble of what might be agreement. "But it's for dwarves only, I'm afraid. No outsiders."

She waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, I'm sure I can be the exception." She giggled and a few flowers on a nearby meadow wilted. "I usually am."

Thorin shook his head insistingly. "No, we have to be firm on this matter. Besides, we don't have any positions open in our company."

"Oh, you must let me come! I can see by your weapons that you strive to be warriors, but none of you have even the slimmest chance of being as excellent a fighter as I am. And I have reasons to be suspicious of your level of intelligence. You simply _must_ let me come with you, it'll be too dangerous for you otherwise."

Bilbo bristled at her patronizing tone. "Now, see here, miss! I know your intentions are probably pure and honest, but-" Thorin gripped him suddenly underneath his arms and lifted him into the air. Bilbo was promptly deposited behind the monarch. Barely a second passed before Dwalin grabbed his arm and pulled him farther into the tight circle of dwarf bodies.

"You mustn't look into their eyes, Master Burglar." Gloin said, looking towards the trees. "Many dwarves have been lost that way."

Ori, also in the middle of the circle, smiled apologetically at the hobbit, then fixed his gaze back on the ground. Kili, standing next to him, had his eyes covered with one hand, while the other clutched his bow in a tight grasp. Bilbo blinked, but decided it was better to follow their example and also turned to stare at the rocks surrounding his feet. His fingers moved to wrap around Sting's hilt.

Thorin clapped his hands suddenly, probably to get the girl's attention. "For the last time, Sue. We have everyone we need. There is no place for your presence during our travels." He lowered his voice into a conspiratory whisper. "However, I personally know King Thranduil of the Mirkwood forest and he definitely could use someone of your many talents."

Bilbo heard her gasp loudly and her voice turned saccharine. "Really? Really truly honestly?"

"Aye. He has been looking for someone just like you his whole life, I believe. You could help him raise his son. Single parenting is so difficult nowadays."

Her feet tapped against the road as she jumped, possibly with glee. "I am wonderful mother material! I have very strong maternal instincts. I once nursed a batch of abandoned rabid squirrels to adulthood during the Storm of the Century. Finding food to feed them all during snow blizzards had been a trial in endurance, but I prevailed, and so did my rabid-squirrel babies."

"Perfect qualifications. Mirkwood is that way. Make sure to ask for Thranduil. He is the king, and no one else is worthy of your companionship."

"Thank you, kind traveller! May you find happiness."

"Yeah, sure. Ditto."

She turned on her heel and skipped away, her mind-controlled entourage running after her. Those poor animals.

"Well, that takes care of her. And Thranduil." Thorin remarked smugly.

Bofur lifted his hat from his eyes and shifted nervously. "Lets get going before she comes back."

The Company unanimously agreed that was a marvellous idea.

"Here's hoping there aren't more of them." Kili muttered and Fili smacked him upside the head.

"You just had to say that, didn't you?"

END

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_Written for a kink meme prompt:_

Inspired by all the Mary Sue ficlets that are popping up over on the Pit for this series. I want Thorin and company to run into one, and instead of swooning over Miss 'I have rainbow eyes, a tragic past, am part-dwarf/half hobbit/half-elf/half-dragon, own a telepathic unicorn, have a great destiny to fulfill, and am SOOOOOO much better than everone else at fighting, etc' they just want to get the fuck away. Basically I'm from alking Kevin Bolk's Ensign Sue levels of absurdity and DO NOT WANT.  
Note, not bashing OCs here - I've seen one or two Hobbit OCs that look really interesting. Just the ones that are so over the top you can't help but laugh.


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